Dear Forfismum

[forfismum]

I have had this nagging feeling for ages that the forum was lacking something and then it came to me.We do not have an agony aunt.Well I ,dear possums ,am happy to volunteer to help you all during you times of doubt and angst and so you can post your questions on any personal matters here and I will help you as only a mature lady who has been a victim of all of lifes visitudes can.Don't be afraid,come and talk to forfismum now.

[forfismum]

M**y from C******y, of course you will not get pregnant by having sex while standing on one leg in the bus shelter,this is a tried and tested method of birth-control.

[Windguy]

Dear agony aunt Forfismum

I seem to have all these women out there wanting to bump uglies with me, flash their rude bits etc.. But as soon as I take my wedding ring off, there is nothing, nada!!!

I am walking around with my wedding ring off just to get some peace.. Are women crackpots or wat???

[forfismum]

Dear W*****y, wimmin are not crackpots,they are mostly crack-heads if the popular papers are anything to go by.Take that Amy Winedreg for example. [Please ,please take her...............far away].They all hate each other really,your wedding ring is a symbol of your everloving lady-wifes devotion to you and those haridans who are flashing their bits at you are trying to destroy this temple of love and truth.Next time they flash at you get a few photies and PM same to MH for the research dept.

[spadlet]

What do you do when a bloke keeps bumping into you in the street and talking to you, trying to persuade you to call him/email him/let him come to your house/offers to take you to church on Sunday etc but only ever says he wants to be friends?

[forfismum]

Dear S******t,have you tried battery acid? a quick spray of this in the direction of the eyes may cool his ardour as may the old and tried and tested swift-kick-in-the-nuts. Lets be friends indeed.it hurts,and indeed embarrasses me to say this but I must be honest.....he only wants to try on your knickers.While you are still in them.

[Claire]

Dear Forfismum
Please can you answer a question that's been troubling me for some time.
What is the meaning of life?
I keep asking people and they just say 42. Which might be true but they won't show the working, so I don't know.

[Windguy]

6 x 9 yeah I know the jokes not funny when everyones read the book, over to you agony forfismum.

[forfismum]

Dear C****e.The answer is of course 42,there has never been any scientific proof to the contary.One experiment which ran in parallel to the work of Adams et al produced the answer "duck".Just that ,no "pekin" or "muscovey" or " mallard" to qualify the result ,just "duck".This was dismissed as nonsense as there is no such a thing as "duck".Nazi Germany tried to prove otherwise using heavy water at Vemork in Norway,but after this plant was destroyed the bomb craters when viewed from the air were in a pattern..........42.An origami version from Japan was eaten by a Sennan goat and so can't be verified.Let your mind be a rest my child,the answer is 42.
Pink Gin anyone??

[forfismum]

And this from a young lady in Aberdeen and her B/F Angus

"Dear Aunt,I dont want to use contraception or get pregnant and my b/f thinks that this will impair my ability to please him. Please can you suggest some equally enjoyable alternatives. Anonymous"

Do you mean other than gazing longingly into each others eyes? or long country walks.?
A scientific approach would be to play the numbers game and I have just consulted my random number sheet and first numbers out are 69 and 96.What can this mean? Prolly a variation on 42.
I shall consult my best selling book "Forfismums Little book of Perversions" for more hints later.