Silliest jokes...

[pollyhop]

Two women were walking along when they came across a talking frog. The frog claimed to be a stock broker that was turned into a frog, and will only be turned back into a stock borker if one of the ladies kissed him. With that, one of the ladies picked the frog up and placed it in her bag. The other lady, confused, asked, 'Didn't you hear, if you kiss him he'll turn into a stock broker?' The other lady then replied, 'Yes, i heard, but these days a talking frog is worth so much more than a stock broker!'

Lame, i know

[Windguy]

No I like it, I'll have to send it to my investor mate.

[August]

A McCain Fan (Be Warned, A Political Joke). by Dan H. — john mccain, joke, jokes | Gather

- --

A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans... Not really knowing what a McCain fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a McCain fan.' The teacher said, 'Why aren't you a McCain fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Democrat.' The teacher asked why he's a Democrat. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat.' The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me a McCain fan.'

-- - --

[altyfc]

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

--

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

--

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

[August]

[Windguy]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Besoeker]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."



One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00” Jeff figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read :
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And...if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[altyfc]

What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around whilst I go on ahead.

[Windguy]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door

neighbour's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".

He goes downstairs. Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his

wife says,"The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard Fookin' see how THEY like it !"

[annes]

Stranded On An Island

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"